Did You Pay?

DID YOU PAY?

A Golfapalooza Financial Services Public Service Announcement

We are now officially two weeks from Golfapalooza XXX, which means Loozers everywhere are beginning their final preparations.

Clubs are being cleaned.

Bags are being packed.

Cornhole arms are being loosened.

Livers are being warned.

And somewhere, sitting in front of a computer, Sheiker is staring at a spreadsheet with red numbers on it wondering which one of you assholes thinks Golfapalooza is a charity.

Relax.

This is not a collection notice.

There will be no names published.

There will be no public shaming.

There will be no list posted titled “Cheap Pricks Currently Being Financed by Sheiker.”

At least not yet.

This is simply a friendly reminder from the Golfapalooza Department of Treasury that most of this trip is prepaid.

The hotel doesn't wait until Thursday morning and say, “Just Venmo us whenever Schleprock gets around to it.”

The golf courses don't operate on the honor system.

Golfapalooza Finance pays the bills.

And Golfapalooza Finance is a man.

That man is Sheiker.

THE G-BANK

Perhaps the most remarkable part of this situation is that Sheiker has spent years developing what may be the most Loozer-friendly financial system in America.

Every Loozer has his own G-Account.

You can put money into it all year long.

Twenty bucks here.

Fifty bucks there.

Throw in a hundred when the wife isn't looking.

By September, you've quietly accumulated enough money that Golfapalooza doesn't feel like you just bought four TaylorMade drivers at once.

But wait.

There's more.

Golfapalooza also operates one of the most sophisticated alternative-currency systems outside of Bitcoin.

Fantasy Football.

Super Bowl boards.

NCAA Tournament pools.

NFL Playoff pools.

BDUBS Monday Night Football squares.

And God knows what else we've gambled on over the last twelve months.

Win?

Congratulations.

You don't even need cash.

You receive G-Credit.

It's basically airline miles for degenerates.

Between deposits and gambling winnings, some of you have had 365 DAYS to fund your Golfapalooza retirement account.

And yet...

Two weeks before the trip...

Somewhere on Sheiker's spreadsheet...

there is still red.

THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO THIS MAN

Sheiker has his own Golfapalooza to prepare for.

Do you think that 180-yard slapshot lefty slice perfects itself?

Absolutely not.

That shot requires repetition.

Timing.

Practice.

And an almost complete misunderstanding of the golf swing.

Every minute Sheiker spends trying to figure out why your G-Account looks like the balance sheet of a bankrupt bowling alley is a minute he could have spent on the range learning how to turn a perfectly good Pro V1 ninety degrees to the right.

And what about cornhole?

For years, Sheiker has dreamed of becoming relevant.

This could finally be the year.

Maybe he's found the grip.

Maybe he's developed the touch.

Maybe he's finally ready to SHOCK THE WORLD.

But how can a man concentrate on a 27-foot slider when one thought keeps rattling around inside his head?

Did he pay?

Did he pay?

DID HE PAY?

Imagine Sheiker standing over the board.

Game point.

The crowd goes silent.

His partner whispers:

"You've got this."

Sheiker begins his motion...

...and suddenly remembers that some Loozer still has $437.26 outstanding.

Bag hits the front of the board.

Season over.

Congratulations.

You just cost Sheiker a Cornhole Championship.

SO THIS IS YOUR OFFICIAL NON-COLLECTION NOTICE

Nobody is being called out.

Nobody is being threatened.

Nobody is being embarrassed.

You know who you are.

Maybe you thought you paid.

Maybe you paid part of it.

Maybe you've got G-Credit sitting somewhere.

Maybe you saw the invoice three weeks ago and thought:

"I'll take care of that tomorrow."

Tomorrow has arrived.

Quack developed an app for this very thing!

It tells you your tab.

It gives you a link to Sheiker’s Venmo!

Check your G-Account.

Check your tab.

Check with Sheiker.

And if there is a number sitting there that shouldn't be sitting there...

KICK IT TO SHEIKER.

Because Golfapalooza Finance has carried you long enough.

The man has golf balls to lose.

Cornhole games to choke away.

A left-handed slapshot slice to perfect.

And, God willing...

A WORLD TO SHOCK.

SHEIKER!

SHEIKER!

DID YOU PAY?

DID YOU PAY?

KICK IT TO SHEIKER!

GXXX IS TWO WEEKS AWAY.

This public service announcement was brought to you by Golfapalooza Finance: proudly extending unsecured credit to Loozers who should absolutely know better since 1997.