Rookies Guide to Golfapalooza

The Unwritten Rules of Golfapalooza
An Official Advisory to Incoming Rookies

If you are reading this as a Rookie, welcome.
You’ve probably been told this is “just a golf trip.”
It is not. It’s THE golf trip. You will understand by Saturday.
There are rules.
Not written. Not enforced. But absolutely real.
The problem is… no one follows them.
So, consider this your guide. Learn from the Loozers who came before you.
Or don’t… and become next year’s example.

Rule #1: What Happens at G… Comes Back Next Year
Case Study: Pizza Crust

Without getting into details (we will absolutely get into details), let’s just say Sleepy learned the hard way that nothing disappears at Golfapalooza.
What was an “innocent” prank… is now retold annually.
What was done once… is now part of the story.

Rookie takeaway: You’re not making memories. You’re creating future content… that will be told louder and less accurately every year.

Rule #2: One man controls the music!
Case Study: Bro’s Playlist

There was never really a vote.
There was never a discussion.
At some point, Bro connected to Bluetooth… and that was that.
The playlist will transform the way you listen to music from this point forward. Of course, if not in Bro’s foursome, turn to the Golfapalooza Playlist in the app.

Rookie takeaway: You’re NOT picking the music. You’re experiencing it.

Rule #3: Know your limits – You won’t!
Case Study: Spyderrrrrrrrrrr Bites/Weekend at Bernie’s/Jungle Juice

There are decisions made at Golfapalooza that feel correct in the moment.
History suggests otherwise.
At some point during the trip, usually late at night, around the cornhole debauchery, you will be approached by a goblin with inhuman strength and no regard for your well-being carrying a bottle of Patron and two inviting shot glasses. Do not engage! Tie your shoe. Pretend you can’t hear him and claim, “The music is too good!” Do whatever you can to avoid the SpiderBite.
If you look at your Thursday pairing and it contains the name Slick……. Panic!!! You will need someone to recount your entire back 9 for you and it’s only THURSDAY!
Bernie…….. nuff said!! Knob Creek hasn’t been seen in the hills for quite some time, but if you see it, put the garlic around your neck and flash that crucifix!

Rookie takeaway: It’s not about how many times you get knocked down….. It’s about how many times you get back up and keep coming – Rocky Balboa

Rule #4: Disappearing Is Acceptable (Explaining It Is Not Required)
Case Study: Sleepy/Scoots

He was there.
Then he wasn’t.
Then he was back.
No one knows.
No one asks. And somehow, no one is surprised.
Nobody will insist you stay out all night (but it will absolutely be noticed if you don’t) and mingle, play cornhole, drink, clean, play Euchre, or talk to UpDog. That’s up to you. We have been having a blast for 30 years and will continue to do so.

Rookie Takeaway: Just don’t expect to be taking home that coveted ROY hardware if you don’t!

Rule #5: If you get a song…. It’s already too late!
Case Study: Everyone you will meet at Golfapalooza

Being featured in a Golfapalooza song is:
• A clear sign you’ve done something that cannot be undone!
• The highest honor!
• Something we will enjoy every second of producing!

Rookie Takeaway: Don’t whine when you don’t see your song….. It’s Coming!!! And you’re gonna love it!!

So Rookies…
take this advice seriously.
Or don’t.
Because either way…
we’ll be talking about you next year.