2026 Round 1 Preview

Thursday Pairings Announced

GXXX Preview

11 Groups, 43 Loozers, 1 Winner, and Zero Accountability

Golfapalooza is finally upon us and the Loozers are bursting with anticipation about the first-round pairings.  Well, they are here and there are so many story lines and predictions, I don’t know where to start.  So, let’s just dive right in and start with a look at each group for Day 1:

Group #1: KGB, Gstan, Sheiker, and Butter

Kicking off Golfapalooza XXX we have, quite literally, the who’s who of G. These are the guys that started it all, the Founding Fathers, with 119 G’s between (Dammit Sheiker!), this very well could be an exact replica of the very first tee time in Golfapalooza history.  This group is solid tee to green with Sheiker leading off, undoubtedly slapping a 200-yard left to righter down the middle and confidently following up with, “All day baby!” He will be followed by Butter and the unmistakable “Butter Fade” which could improve their position or be followed by his trademark, “OhmyGod, Oh…..My……Gooooood, Ohhhhh my God?” And then steps up Gstan, The Godfather of G”, the Tower of Tempo, Steady Eddy. By this time, the group will have 2 or 3 balls in play to choose from. Batting cleanup for our first group out is the loveable Loozer, Monte’s BFF, and the longest hitter of the group…… K.G.B.! The problem is, a fearless Brent is a dangerous Brent, to himself, his teammates, and anyone living within 40 yards of the course.  This ball will go a long way, but where is the question.  This group needs the anchor to swing within himself all day to have a chance.  There is some lore and some talent here, but I just don’t think they have all the features to take the crown amongst this talented field.

Prediction: -7

Group 2: Cane, Watson, Sleepy and Killer

Another group will go out second with a tough act to follow.  However, there is no SHORTness of history here either.  They have 94 G’s of their own UNDER their belts and that’s no SMALL feat.  Killer will lead off for this group, and I wouldn’t be looking for anything spectacular as Killer has dedicated his off seasons to Bid Euchre and Cornhole dominance these days.  He will act like his DIMINUTIVE drives are supposed to go further, but deep DOWN, he knows the reality of his abilities.  He’s here for a shot at a long putt or a chip in that will be talked about for days.  We’re just glad he’s here for One More Year! Sleepy will follow Killer with 3-Wood off the tee and will put the team in good position 75% of the time.  Getting Sleepy on your team on Thursday is a good thing.  Saturday Sleepy……Not so much. He tends to be SHORT on energy by then. Randy will step up third, usually with MINIMAL pressure,  He will go through all of his check points and practice swings and will be steady but not super flashy. The wild card here is how will Randy play without all the LITTLE stresses of constantly updating all the scores and tee sheets? This is where the fireworks start.  Up steps the Little Big Man, The Hurricane, Bo-Man, White Lightening.  Boland is the strength of the group without a doubt.  He will rescue the group on most occasions, but not always.  The TINY problem is he’s not as steady as he used to be.  His game can bring the foursome to great HEIGHTS. He’s also an excellent putter and should make anything within 5’ 6”.  Strong on paper doesn’t always ADD UP though. Not your winners on Thursday. I might be selling this group SHORT, but I just see them coming up a TINY bit shy.

Prediction: -7 (even with Killer’s strokes)

Group 3: Quack, Ragu, DK and Size-10

Our third group will feature one of Golfapalooza’s longest tenured “non founders” leading off.  Size-10 is one of the larger personalities in the group.  He could get a hold of one and put the group in great shape, but I wouldn’t count on it.  He will be too focused on making sure that nobody in the final 8 groups is looking at his ass while he swings. UpDog will step up second in this group.  There will be no lack of energy or personality, but there may  be a lack of accuracy.  Don’t look for UpDog to be rattled though.  He will just continue to foster his relationship with his 3 new best friends! Our first Rookie will bat third in this group.  With three years of golf and about 20 total rounds with none being at Alpine (less of a resume and more of a waiver of liability), he has a surprisingly smooth swing from the “wrong side of the ball”. I wouldn’t count on too much production from someone making their first lap around the track at Alpine.  His Saturday group could get some help, though.  Quack will have to carry this group on most holes like a mother possum with three pups hanging off her back and that is just too much for any Loozer.  As steady as he is, I don’t look for this group to be reaching for the birdie horns too often.

Prediction: -3

Group 4: Whitey, FunDan, Roll, and Sensei

Whitey has fired five rounds in the 70’s this summer as of the time of this publication, which is impressive because most Loozers only see the 70’s when they are visiting your Mom’s houses.  That alone has to make this group one of the favorites to take the medal honors for the Opening Round.  Then you put a guy like Fun Dan in the group to make sure they are never out of hole and you have a recipe for success.  Those two alone would probably navigate the course without a bogey.  A few putts from Roll and a Monster Drive or two from Sensei and we could be talking about a double digit under par round here. Whitey and Fun Dan will lay the foundation.  The question is, how many nuggets can we get from Roll and Sensei?? We don’t need a whole chicken here, just three or four nuggets, please!

Prediction: -9

Group 5: Slick, Honey, Long-O and Beef

On paper, this group has the make-up of a contender.  Beef has logged as many rounds as anyone this summer.  The commitment is there.  We just need to question whether he is practicing the right playbook.  We just haven’t seen enough improvement over his two dozen rounds or so.  He is driving the ball well but still chips and putts like a polar bear with oven mitts trying to open a clam. Long-O has the ability to contribute to any foursome.  However, he still doesn’t seem to have recovered from losing Quack to functional employment.  He may also be distracted by sneaking “anal use only” stickers onto the clubs of his foursome.  Honey is only three years removed from being named BSPITW in an epic playoff on #9 with Slippery and Quack.  He is one of the best strikers of the ball on tour and will be a huge asset to the team.  He just needs to not put too much pressure on himself thinking about how to finally break through in Cornhole.  Slick could be the difference maker for this foursome.  It all depends on which Slick shows up.  Will we get Golfapalooza Slick or Spackler Slick? Golfapalooza Slick puts fun before golf and we applaud that.  However, a serious Slick can put this team right in the thick of it!!  Welcome back to G, Slick!

Prediction: -8

Group 6: Cerrano, SalPal, Padre, and Bartlett

Leading off in group 6 we have the long-awaited return of Bartlett, The Legend.  Many Loozers have heard the stories and even uttered the famous phrase, “What Matters, Matters”, but now is your chance to see him in the flesh.  Not sure what has changed over the past 10 years, but I would prepare to have some fun and warm up the other phrase often heard when Stacy is around, “That’s OK, we have three other guys to hit”.  Padre will bat second here and will be the calming presence bringing good JuJu to the group, as Jesus will certainly be pulling for this foursome.  Whether Jesus can read an Alpine green remains to be seen. The return of the Grand Poobah will be a shot in the arm for this group as you can count on drives in the fairway as far as a 70-year-old dentist can hit it.  Will it be enough to put this group in contention? Time will tell.  Cerrano is back for his Sophomore season and is looking to take revenge on the “curve ball” that is Alpine Lake.  He’s posted a few rounds in the 70’s himself this year, but it was Bell Meadows and from the whites.  We will see if Jobu can break the curse of Alpine this year.

Prediction: -6

Group 7: Off White, Puck, Walt, and BDubs

Here is fine example of how the handicap system works in golf.  Any foursome can compete with equitable strokes.  Your Mom can compete with Equitable Strokes! At first glance, this team appears to have a rock solid anchor in Off Whitey.  However, the sleep doctor is coming off a one-year hiatus after a total hip replacement and hasn’t seemed to have gotten all the way back into form as evidenced by his nephew pushing him around on the course at family vacation this summer. Walt and BDubs, as loveable as they are, can’t be required to carry much of the load here and that leaves some heavy lifting for the wildcard of the bunch, Puck.  The hockey background could help here. It worked for Happy Gilmore.  Or will this bunch be more like the Gilmore Girls?  There will be plenty of Fireball to go around with BDubs in the group, but will they have opportunities to partake? Of course, BDubs has never been much of a rule follower (birdies not required for Fireball shots). Let’s just hope Walt can produce a couple of those missile launchers he’s known for and see if the others can fill in the blanks.

Prediction: -3 (even with the strokes)

Group 8: Scoots, Spanky, Spyderrrrrrrrrrr, and Dosky

Jeeeeeeezussss!!  Where’s the weakness in this foursome?  Sure, Dosky and Spyderrrrrrrrrrr aren’t known for the prowess on the links, but these two hit enough good shots to help at scratch and will bring strokes to a group that clearly doesn’t need them.  I mean Dosky is the Bionic Man and Spyderrrrrrrrrrr has defied father time with his superhuman farmboy strength.  Then you add Scoots and Spanky???  Their golf is good enough and you pair that with the obvious chemistry between them!!  You can’t break a bond that’s been built over 15 to life…. Errrr I mean 30-40 years.  The only thing that can de-rail this locomotive is Mary and her sister Jane.  Will the two big hitters survive the one hitter.  Some say no, but this is my pick to take day one.

Prediction: -11

Group 9: Softy, Bubbles, 45, and Bro

The Miss Congeniality award winners for Thursday.  You know, the girl in the pageant who isn’t quite pretty enough to crown the Queen, but everybody loves.  Let’s just say these guys have great personalities, but you wouldn’t leave the bar with them.  The fun meter will be on tilt for the Rookie, but this is a tall order to ask him to anchor this crew on his first time out.  There aren’t enough 7-woods in Bro’s bag to save this from going off the rails quickly. He may need to pull out an 11-wood to save this one! Bubbles will throw in some monsters and 45 is playing some of the best golf of his life (compared to…..), but it’s not enough on this day.  Let’s just hope the birdie hats make it out of the golf carts a few times to give the Rook the full experience.  This team could be a sleeper with enough strokes.

Prediction: -8

Group 10: Winthorp, Mongo, Chef, CDubs

Chef has improved tremendously, but that’s like throwing a deck chair off the Queen Mary.  Helpful? Yes. Meaningful? Not enough to make a difference with this collection.  In CDubs we have an engineer turned RR Union president that has a claim to fame that he is a better golfer than BDubs, which is like saying “I can beat up my 6-month-old nephew”. Mongo is a Rookie playing his first round at G. He will be so caught up with wondering if these 40 dudes are actually real, it will be Saturday before he can THINK straight, let alone hit it straight. Then there’s Winthorp, a 60 something has been that can make you laugh.  This aint no circus, bitch.  This is the real thing, Golfapalooza.  Improving from a 32 to a 23 in less than a year’s time won’t be enough to get this team to the top of podium on Thursday.  Strokes or no strokes, they won’t be a factor. There will be no skin money either to add to the Ashtray.

Prediction: Even Par

Group 11: Alf, Just Shane, and Jambone

Wow!!  This looks strong on paper but there’s something missing……. A fourth golfer!!!  There is no substitute for that fourth swing or that fourth look at a breaking putt.  I don’t care if Alf is the best golfer of the bunch.  I don’t care if Jambone has spent more time at the range than the ball pickers. And I don’t care that Just Shane can hit it a country mile and seems to be getting more consistent by the year.  You just can’t win a four-man scramble with three men. Well, two men and Just Shane.  You know what I am getting at. Don’t get me wrong. There will be plenty of birdie horns, chest bumps, and fireball shots from our closing group. There may even be a skin or two in their future. But, in the end, the lack of that fourth shot will prove to be the difference.

Prediction: -10 (Bogey free)

I may be way off but had fun playing it out in my head.  One prediction I know I am not missing on is this…..

Everyone will have a great time, and the Rookies will get their first real taste of Golfapalooza at its finest.  I am sure they will be locked in after day 1.  Have fun out there, gentlemen and above all, be careful. The golf carts in Terra Alta have been known to attack stupid humans.  Just ask Cane, Double-G and Jackie.